At Last

As today rolls by the song "At Last" comes to mind. Etta James knew what she was doing when she sang this song. For me it has a different meaning. For almost a year now my life has been in sort of limbo. I have had the title of being "married" without actually the act of "being married." When asked I told people I was married but when asked where my ring was I began to tell them I was "separated." The big "D" I knew would be coming next. See for the past 4+ years I had been hiding under a rock. I thought by being married it would change different circumstances in my life and that everything would just magically work out. I guess I assumed my husband (ex-husband now) would turn into the man I had always knew he could be. There was so much potential, ambition and drive there but apparently I was the only one who saw it...I was the rose colored glasses and pink hearing aids! ;) But I learned a difficult and hard lesson...you cannot change anyone unless they want to be changed. See people have a tendency to change and become someone who they think you want to be with and lose themselves in lies. They hide the truth for so long that they forget who they are and spend too much time pretending to be someone else. See...I fell in love with someone else. I fell in love with this awesome man of God that was, sweet, caring, handsome, free, not complicated, honest, a little rough around the edges but I loved him. Little did I know that was an act and that really wasn’t who he was. God showed me that time and time again but I never got in tune with my mind, body and soul about it.... AT LAST....I quit wanting what Ashly wants and I started looking at what the Lord was showing me and the people around me were concerned for me. I learned on October 5th that my husband was no husband at all. Then I learned again on September 27th what God was telling me all along. I often think about what would of happened if I would of followed the path that God put right in front of me instead of took a detour. I’m glad I did take that detour. Because of that I am a MUCH stronger woman of God and I value things I never did before. I learned that we give the devil too much credit sometimes! So this is the first day of the rest of my life...Day 1 of being Ashly Lashell Thornton. I learned that God gives favor over and beyond when you leave things in his hands. I learned that family will always be there no matter what and no matter what decisions you make they will be there when they fail or succeed. Did I want my marriage to succeed? YES! I wanted to grow old with him rocking on the front porch...but...AT LAST I will...just not with Chad. The grief hasn’t set in and people tell me it will but I keep holding on to the fact that I don’t have to anymore. I don’t have to be upset because I did everything I could of done. I can be happy knowing that everything I learned will be put to great use one day for my future husband. For now...I will enjoy being Miss Ashly Thornton and I look forward to concentrating on God, my son and myself. I dont have room for another and really want to take this time to get closer to God and the plan he has for me. So with that being said...AT LAST....I tell myself... CONGRATS, JOB WELL DONE, and its time to....MOVE ON! :)

Food for Thought

I got this via email and I had to post it as a blog. It is just so amazing how this person puts it into words. It can change lives if you let it!

You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception. If lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors are threatening your marriage or partnership.

Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he/she is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge. First, acknowledge that there is something wrong. If what is happening isn't normal, admit it. You need to set some new standards of acceptable behavior and your partner needs to know what those standards are.

If you truly want the relationship to work, be real with yourself and your partner. Be completely honest and truthful with your partner about your wants and needs. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You should be an open book to your mate.

If there is something or someone from past relationships coming in between you and your new partner then you are not ready for a commitment with another person. Old relationships should be put in the past completely so new ones can begin. When there are children born from a previous relationship then the children should be the focus not the past failed relationship. No new partner likes to have the ex around as a constant reminder of what you had with them. That is just a fact of life.

Be as forthcoming as you can be with your partner before entering into a commitment. If there are things your partner has the right to know before marriage/partnership so that he/she can make an honest and informed decision, tell him/her.

If you are the person who has damaged the relationship, make sure that you hear your partner. He/she needs to know that you have listened and understand the full gravity of your actions and how they have affected him/her. Acknowledge the damage your behavior has caused to your partner's self-esteem, mental state and emotions.

Understand that any time you turn away from your partner to fill your needs instead of toward him/her, it's a betrayal. It's not just what you do — it's what you don't do. You can violate someone by withholding affection.

Look at your situation and ask yourself if you are willing to settle for this. If you knew that things would never change, would you stay? Never invest more in a relationship than you can afford to lose.

If you have children or are considering getting pregnant, understand that you have a responsibility for the effect that your choices have on them. Do not put your children in the middle of the fray and make them pick up the tab for your irresponsible behavior.

Don't argue in front of your children. When you do, you change who they are forever. Kids tend to think that problems in the home are their fault.

Hold on Tight....Enjoy the Ride...

Lately I’ve had writer’s block but God is beginning to give me clarification on so many things in my life. God’s signs and wonders are wonderful things if you pay attention. Not to say I haven’t had anything to write about lately but I haven’t been able to put it in words that would make sense. Love has been on my mind lately. See my personality is different than many other women out there. When I get hurt I get angry and when I get mad I cry. God programmed me that way and I have accepted it and I have come to love it because HE made me that way! He made me to love with my whole heart and never back down to love. See nothing can separate us from the love of God. If you look at “Romans 8:38-39 (The Message)

31-39 So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture: They kill us in cold blood because they hate you. We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one. None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

As time is getting closer to the divorce I really look into marriage and what God intended it to be. Now I am NOT going to go into details because I would be typing forever about a Godly marriage. I have learned though especially during our Ephesians study that we as Christians need to make allowances for each other’s faults because of love. What is love to you? Love is so many different things. The type of love you have for your friends and family is totally different than the type you have for your husband and wife. Does true love ever fade or go away? YES! If you don’t nurture the love it will fade. If you allow Satan to come in and take parts of your love away from one another you have problems. If you allow problems to remain without discussing them and working on them they turn into potholes and become devastating. It brings a few quotes to mind:

A bizarre sensation pervades a relationship of pretense. No truth seems true. A simple morning's greeting and response appear loaded with innuendo and fraught with implications. Each nicety becomes more sterile and each withdrawal more permanent. –Unknown

'Tis said of love that it sometimes goes, sometimes flies; runs with one, walks gravely with another; turns a third into ice, and sets a fourth in a flame: it wounds one, another it kills: like lightning it begins and ends in the same moment: it makes that fort yield at night which it besieged but in the morning; for there is no force able to resist it. Miguel De Cervantes


Back to my question though...Does true love ever fade or go away? NO.... I know you are thinking she just said YES! Trick Question  When you have true love for someone you will always have a special place for them. It’s kind of like putting together a puzzle. Your heart is a puzzle that needs each piece to complete one another. If one is missing your puzzle isn’t complete. Remember when that one piece just won’t fit then you turn it slightly to the right or left and it slides right in? Everything in our life has a purpose and promise with God. My testimony is unlike any others and believe me I want my cross and no one else’s! I follow God and love him with all my heart. He has a plan for me and I am discovering it day by day. When you live your life to the best of your ability serving God the blessings are endless. Will you have trials and failures? Yes, but that’s part of life. When things get tough stay in Gods house and following him and do not leave and forsake him for the flesh of this world. So many forsake him when times go bad and run to the flesh of this world and do things that they justify are okay when they really are not. Read the word daily and study what Gods plans are for you. Just as in Jeremiah 29:11-13 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I know that writing this is for someone but more importantly I’m writing this for me. See when you think back to dancing in the rain, late night movies , 7+ hour talks, good long hugs from the one you love, being serenaded to the most wonderful song or just looking at each other knowing exactly what the other person is thinking...Smile.... However, when you think back on the yelling, crying, running, emotional abuse, physical abuse....Smile... I don’t want someone else’s life because you just don’t get the good. You get it all. I would rather have my life and the lessons I have learned knowing there is better out there for me. I am still married and I still let people know that I am. When my divorce papers say that I am not married is the day I will change EVERYTHING! See I have the huge burning in my heart for marriage but not your typical marriage.. One that is ON FIRE FOR GOD! As the time approaches I can clearly see the plans he has for me and they are more than amazing. They are full of smiles; laughs, tears, rejoicing and most of all......LOVE....Love UNCONDITIONALLY! Isn’t God good!!!

Unanswered Questions

As I reflect this Thanksgiving I have so much to be Thankful for. While I have so many questions about my life and why sometimes having unanswered questions is best. See, my husband is living his life on his terms and how he wants too. Me on the other hand, I still consider myself married and I would do nothing to jepordize that. I am living my life as God would want me too during this time. Does God want me to rub it in his face? No. Does God want me to go out and date everyone that shows interest? No. God wants me to continue to live my life the way as he would knowing there will be hiccups along the way. He knows Im not perfect and I let things get to the inner most me alot more than I should. I worry too much and sometimes try to be something Im not becuase I often feel I am not good enough. He knows me...he knows my past, present and future. I have to remind myself that It is God that keeps records of wrong doing, and the vengeance belongs to only him. If I try to seek revenge it will only hurt me and my family. No, matter how hurt I am about the fact that my husband is doing all these things that hurt me to the core I have to continue to hold my head up high. If he took the 2+ weeks he was planning on leaving me and commited them to our marriage to try to make things work we would more than likely still be living together and hey..we might even be happy. I have to realize that people make their own decisions based on whether it is Godly or not. They see things differently and some people only care about themselves and what they can get from another. It is so hard being the bigger person and just turning the other cheek. I know God is watching me and my actions and I think he would be proud. I know I have surprised myself beyond anything I expected. This Thanksgiving was hard but it didnt seem it. My Mom is my rock and I am very thankful I got to spend this Thanksgiving with her...with someone that loves me unconditionally....Thank God for people like that!

Okay, I am going to step off my soap box. This weekend Chad deleted me from FB and started a new blog just like I did a few weeks ago. It hurt when I found out but then again he knows it will hurt me and thats why he did it. He knew it would hurt and he didnt care. So...hurt no more my child, says God. For God knows the plans he has for me.....

Marriage

What is marriage?

I’m so tired of being have such a misconception of marriage. Therefore I thought I would explain how I feel about marriage and what I think about it. The dictionary defines “marriage” as the following:

1. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

2. the state, condition, or relationship of being married; wedlock: a happy marriage.

3. the legal or religious ceremony that formalizes the decision of a man and woman to live as husband and wife, including the accompanying social festivities: to officiate at a marriage.

4. a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife, without legal sanction: trial marriage; homosexual marriage.

5. any close or intimate association or union: the marriage of words and music in a hit song.

6. a blending or matching of different elements or components: The new lipstick is a beautiful marriage of fragrance and texture.

7. Obsolete. the formal declaration or contract by which act a man and a woman join in wedlock.

It is said that marriages are made in heaven and celebrated on earth. The popular belief is true to much extent, because it is a special bond shared between two souls, who tie the wedding knot after promising to be companions for a lifetime. It is the physical, mental and spiritual unison of two souls. It brings significant stability and substance to human relationships. It plays a crucial role in transferring the culture and civilization from one generation to the other. The key to successful marriage is love, understanding, mutual respect, trust, commitment and togetherness. While many couples are able to find all the key ingredients in their marital relationships, others find one element or more lacking in their bond. This gives rise to consequences that are not always expected, or desired. This is a reason why a number of couples face adverse consequences, like divorce. One of the visible reasons why married couples find marriage as an intimidating bond is that they face a number of problems, while being in the relationship. Lack of trust, mutual respect, love and understanding contribute to the deterioration of the bond.

See not everyone views marriage like this. I have been the type of woman that only wanted to be married once but that has come and gone. A huge part of me hurts because that was taken away from me. I am the person that says, “Divorce is not an option.” However, it takes two to make and break a marriage. I wasn’t given a choice in my marriage. I was never told what was happening and there was no communication. I tried over and over to communicate but I was the only one talking. When Chad left it just yanked me, physically, emotionally and spiritually. When you lose someone that has been a huge part of your life it brings many to the question, "What do I do now." I have asked myself that question many times. I can't answer that question but I am trying to live life as God would want me to for my family and myself. Maybe I am not physically or emotionally equipped to just turn my head, flip my hair and say "on to the next one." Maybe it's just the way that God made me and made me to love deep, love hard, be open minded, relentless, inquisitive, among many other things. I love the fact that I feel so much and have the desire to succeed along with being strong willed. When I love, which hasn't happened often, I love deep, rare and genuine As, Greg Behrendt would say, " Chances are he's not going to suddenly say "Oh my Gosh, I am totally in love with you, still and I want to make things work."" However, many just move on right away as if the other person didn't exist and doesn't matter but the fact is they did and they do. More than likely they are a huge part of whom you are and who you will continue to be as you go forward with your life with or without them.

You know I have never said i was perfect and I know I have my fair share of mistakes. It would of just been really nice to be told the truth and to not be lead on. I used to have so many walls up in my life that I really couldn't get out from behind them myself. That is a huge part of me that has changed and I will not let it revert back. I loved deep and got hurt in the long run but that is no excuse for me to put my walls back up. Nor will I put on an act to make people think I am amazing. That is a false perception and I WILL NOT become that type of person. People have to realize that you aren't going to be okay, you are going to cry but you are going to have to hold your head up and try, it just takes time. I have never been one to act like I am something I am not so why would I put on a false perception now? I am not sure where my life is heading, God has the controls and right now and I’m okay with that. I would like to think Chad cared and that he really did love me beyond any of this actions or lack there of. In my opinion, it's okay to grieve his loss, and it’s okay to get mad, it’s okay to not understand, and it’s okay to miss him. It is how you handle the disappointment that makes you who you are. I won’t, however, tolerate being ran over and smashed down like I am nothing. I am a child of God and I was meant for more than that. I wish sometimes that people could see the world through others eyes. It would definitely make for easier times in so many lives'! J Bottom line, if you can remember the love you experienced within the relationship and uphold it, you will come through feeling less bitter, hence healing faster.

Some information was obtained from http://weddings.iloveindia.com/features/what-is-marriage.html.

Life is what happens when your making other plans...

Life is what passes by while we are making other plans. My life is up in the air and Im waiting for it to come back down. However, I know that God is working on it so that it can become the best it has ever been. I have always been very indecisive in my life. Indecision is such an awkward word and it can manipulate you in so many different ways. However, when you start to really think about what you truly want and start making yourself happy it's amazing how things in your life change. We all know that God is always going to be number one but if you don’t allow him to work on you then you get put on the back burner. So if you in a point in your life where you are faced with indecision just think about all the opportunities you are passing by. Remember this… "Indecision is the thief of opportunity" –Jim Rohn

While doing a lot of soul searching I realized things I needed to change within myself. I realized I had to accept myself for who I am and be proud of the woman that I have become. I am always striving to become a better person, mom, daughter and friend. I have a stronger walk with God and my son's walk is getting stronger week by week. There have been a few things going on recently that many people are aware of. I am VERY proud of the way I have handled things and I hope it has showed people that I have grown into a woman that has values and knows how to take the high road. I have learned some very valuable things. The best quote I can think of at the moment is this, "Indecision is a form of dependency: you are waiting for somebody to give you an answer." –Unknown I believe that people are put in our lives to help with the healing process and boy those people have been put in mine. We love people that hurt us only because it's the Christian way of wanting what is good for them, doing what is helpful to them and not wanting or doing anything to cause harm to them. We have to realize as put so plainly by Thomas Hart, "Sometimes loving is accompanied by no positive feelings at all. One crucial difference between loving and liking is that we have a choice where love is concerned. That's why the commandment is not about liking."

As we navigate through the adversity of life we sometimes forget about the Golden Rule. No matter how someone has treated us, what they said, and/or what they did it should not determine how we treat them or how we love them. Jacques Maritian said it best, "We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as their qualities. You have to really think about that quote because someone might have the most amazing qualities and they may have the most outrageous "defects." However, we learn not to love them only by their qualities but by both. I have always loved the quote by Sam Keen, "You love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly." I kept turning my bible to Matthew 7:12 the past few weeks and I had to ask for strength to abide by this verse. Sometime we get so hurt in experiences that all we want to do is retaliate. That isn't what God wants and if you need proof it's in the verse above. We don't realize that sometimes you cannot glue the pieces back together and instead you have to realize those pieces might not be intended to go forward with you. God gives new beginnings and no matter what you think every day is a new beginning.

Some people do/say things without even thinking about how it will affect the other person. Then some people know how it will affect the other person and choose to do it anyway. The end result if done out of resentment, fury, rage, hurt, anger, retaliation and the list goes on and on, none is ever good. Some call it Karma and others use many different analogies for it. I have heard anything from: If you have a knife in your stomach it is just going to hurt worse if you turn it rather than just pulling it out. Or, pouring salt on a fresh wound is painful. The fact is that life isn't totally about receiving it is about giving. It is about giving yourself to someone without anything in return. It's about opening yourself and subjecting yourself to so many different conditions. After all, "The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you, where the arms of God cannot support you, where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, where the power of God cannot endow you." -Unknown


Just because someone does or says something you don't agree with doesn't mean that it gives you the power to hurt them back. We have to realize that our actions speak louder than words but words, even if spoken softly, can hurt. Work in Gods plan and in the end, Do the right thing. Treat them as you would want to be treated even if they don't treat you that way. We all have our different struggles and we are all dealing with obstacles in our life that many don't know. Don't make it harder for someone by treating them badly, not taking their feelings into consideration and acting as if they don't matter. No matter what religion you are, we are all Gods children and we do matter and YOU matter.

"Every religion emphasizes human improvement, love, respect for others, sharing other people's suffering. On these lines every religion had more or less the same viewpoint and the same goal." The Dalai Lama


*Mom, if you are reading this I want to "Thank you." You have brought me up to do the right thing even when people oppose me and don't understand why I need to "do the right thing." I love you unconditionally and I appreciate you teaching me there are 3 sides to every story. With eyes and arms wide open, and a heart that God is healing, I smile because life happened and know that I have the love of my family, friends and most of all God to take me around that unknown curve.