Unanswered Questions

As I reflect this Thanksgiving I have so much to be Thankful for. While I have so many questions about my life and why sometimes having unanswered questions is best. See, my husband is living his life on his terms and how he wants too. Me on the other hand, I still consider myself married and I would do nothing to jepordize that. I am living my life as God would want me too during this time. Does God want me to rub it in his face? No. Does God want me to go out and date everyone that shows interest? No. God wants me to continue to live my life the way as he would knowing there will be hiccups along the way. He knows Im not perfect and I let things get to the inner most me alot more than I should. I worry too much and sometimes try to be something Im not becuase I often feel I am not good enough. He knows me...he knows my past, present and future. I have to remind myself that It is God that keeps records of wrong doing, and the vengeance belongs to only him. If I try to seek revenge it will only hurt me and my family. No, matter how hurt I am about the fact that my husband is doing all these things that hurt me to the core I have to continue to hold my head up high. If he took the 2+ weeks he was planning on leaving me and commited them to our marriage to try to make things work we would more than likely still be living together and hey..we might even be happy. I have to realize that people make their own decisions based on whether it is Godly or not. They see things differently and some people only care about themselves and what they can get from another. It is so hard being the bigger person and just turning the other cheek. I know God is watching me and my actions and I think he would be proud. I know I have surprised myself beyond anything I expected. This Thanksgiving was hard but it didnt seem it. My Mom is my rock and I am very thankful I got to spend this Thanksgiving with her...with someone that loves me unconditionally....Thank God for people like that!

Okay, I am going to step off my soap box. This weekend Chad deleted me from FB and started a new blog just like I did a few weeks ago. It hurt when I found out but then again he knows it will hurt me and thats why he did it. He knew it would hurt and he didnt care. So...hurt no more my child, says God. For God knows the plans he has for me.....

Marriage

What is marriage?

I’m so tired of being have such a misconception of marriage. Therefore I thought I would explain how I feel about marriage and what I think about it. The dictionary defines “marriage” as the following:

1. the social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

2. the state, condition, or relationship of being married; wedlock: a happy marriage.

3. the legal or religious ceremony that formalizes the decision of a man and woman to live as husband and wife, including the accompanying social festivities: to officiate at a marriage.

4. a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife, without legal sanction: trial marriage; homosexual marriage.

5. any close or intimate association or union: the marriage of words and music in a hit song.

6. a blending or matching of different elements or components: The new lipstick is a beautiful marriage of fragrance and texture.

7. Obsolete. the formal declaration or contract by which act a man and a woman join in wedlock.

It is said that marriages are made in heaven and celebrated on earth. The popular belief is true to much extent, because it is a special bond shared between two souls, who tie the wedding knot after promising to be companions for a lifetime. It is the physical, mental and spiritual unison of two souls. It brings significant stability and substance to human relationships. It plays a crucial role in transferring the culture and civilization from one generation to the other. The key to successful marriage is love, understanding, mutual respect, trust, commitment and togetherness. While many couples are able to find all the key ingredients in their marital relationships, others find one element or more lacking in their bond. This gives rise to consequences that are not always expected, or desired. This is a reason why a number of couples face adverse consequences, like divorce. One of the visible reasons why married couples find marriage as an intimidating bond is that they face a number of problems, while being in the relationship. Lack of trust, mutual respect, love and understanding contribute to the deterioration of the bond.

See not everyone views marriage like this. I have been the type of woman that only wanted to be married once but that has come and gone. A huge part of me hurts because that was taken away from me. I am the person that says, “Divorce is not an option.” However, it takes two to make and break a marriage. I wasn’t given a choice in my marriage. I was never told what was happening and there was no communication. I tried over and over to communicate but I was the only one talking. When Chad left it just yanked me, physically, emotionally and spiritually. When you lose someone that has been a huge part of your life it brings many to the question, "What do I do now." I have asked myself that question many times. I can't answer that question but I am trying to live life as God would want me to for my family and myself. Maybe I am not physically or emotionally equipped to just turn my head, flip my hair and say "on to the next one." Maybe it's just the way that God made me and made me to love deep, love hard, be open minded, relentless, inquisitive, among many other things. I love the fact that I feel so much and have the desire to succeed along with being strong willed. When I love, which hasn't happened often, I love deep, rare and genuine As, Greg Behrendt would say, " Chances are he's not going to suddenly say "Oh my Gosh, I am totally in love with you, still and I want to make things work."" However, many just move on right away as if the other person didn't exist and doesn't matter but the fact is they did and they do. More than likely they are a huge part of whom you are and who you will continue to be as you go forward with your life with or without them.

You know I have never said i was perfect and I know I have my fair share of mistakes. It would of just been really nice to be told the truth and to not be lead on. I used to have so many walls up in my life that I really couldn't get out from behind them myself. That is a huge part of me that has changed and I will not let it revert back. I loved deep and got hurt in the long run but that is no excuse for me to put my walls back up. Nor will I put on an act to make people think I am amazing. That is a false perception and I WILL NOT become that type of person. People have to realize that you aren't going to be okay, you are going to cry but you are going to have to hold your head up and try, it just takes time. I have never been one to act like I am something I am not so why would I put on a false perception now? I am not sure where my life is heading, God has the controls and right now and I’m okay with that. I would like to think Chad cared and that he really did love me beyond any of this actions or lack there of. In my opinion, it's okay to grieve his loss, and it’s okay to get mad, it’s okay to not understand, and it’s okay to miss him. It is how you handle the disappointment that makes you who you are. I won’t, however, tolerate being ran over and smashed down like I am nothing. I am a child of God and I was meant for more than that. I wish sometimes that people could see the world through others eyes. It would definitely make for easier times in so many lives'! J Bottom line, if you can remember the love you experienced within the relationship and uphold it, you will come through feeling less bitter, hence healing faster.

Some information was obtained from http://weddings.iloveindia.com/features/what-is-marriage.html.

Life is what happens when your making other plans...

Life is what passes by while we are making other plans. My life is up in the air and Im waiting for it to come back down. However, I know that God is working on it so that it can become the best it has ever been. I have always been very indecisive in my life. Indecision is such an awkward word and it can manipulate you in so many different ways. However, when you start to really think about what you truly want and start making yourself happy it's amazing how things in your life change. We all know that God is always going to be number one but if you don’t allow him to work on you then you get put on the back burner. So if you in a point in your life where you are faced with indecision just think about all the opportunities you are passing by. Remember this… "Indecision is the thief of opportunity" –Jim Rohn

While doing a lot of soul searching I realized things I needed to change within myself. I realized I had to accept myself for who I am and be proud of the woman that I have become. I am always striving to become a better person, mom, daughter and friend. I have a stronger walk with God and my son's walk is getting stronger week by week. There have been a few things going on recently that many people are aware of. I am VERY proud of the way I have handled things and I hope it has showed people that I have grown into a woman that has values and knows how to take the high road. I have learned some very valuable things. The best quote I can think of at the moment is this, "Indecision is a form of dependency: you are waiting for somebody to give you an answer." –Unknown I believe that people are put in our lives to help with the healing process and boy those people have been put in mine. We love people that hurt us only because it's the Christian way of wanting what is good for them, doing what is helpful to them and not wanting or doing anything to cause harm to them. We have to realize as put so plainly by Thomas Hart, "Sometimes loving is accompanied by no positive feelings at all. One crucial difference between loving and liking is that we have a choice where love is concerned. That's why the commandment is not about liking."

As we navigate through the adversity of life we sometimes forget about the Golden Rule. No matter how someone has treated us, what they said, and/or what they did it should not determine how we treat them or how we love them. Jacques Maritian said it best, "We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as their qualities. You have to really think about that quote because someone might have the most amazing qualities and they may have the most outrageous "defects." However, we learn not to love them only by their qualities but by both. I have always loved the quote by Sam Keen, "You love not by finding the perfect person but by seeing an imperfect person, perfectly." I kept turning my bible to Matthew 7:12 the past few weeks and I had to ask for strength to abide by this verse. Sometime we get so hurt in experiences that all we want to do is retaliate. That isn't what God wants and if you need proof it's in the verse above. We don't realize that sometimes you cannot glue the pieces back together and instead you have to realize those pieces might not be intended to go forward with you. God gives new beginnings and no matter what you think every day is a new beginning.

Some people do/say things without even thinking about how it will affect the other person. Then some people know how it will affect the other person and choose to do it anyway. The end result if done out of resentment, fury, rage, hurt, anger, retaliation and the list goes on and on, none is ever good. Some call it Karma and others use many different analogies for it. I have heard anything from: If you have a knife in your stomach it is just going to hurt worse if you turn it rather than just pulling it out. Or, pouring salt on a fresh wound is painful. The fact is that life isn't totally about receiving it is about giving. It is about giving yourself to someone without anything in return. It's about opening yourself and subjecting yourself to so many different conditions. After all, "The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you, where the arms of God cannot support you, where the riches of God cannot supply your needs, where the power of God cannot endow you." -Unknown


Just because someone does or says something you don't agree with doesn't mean that it gives you the power to hurt them back. We have to realize that our actions speak louder than words but words, even if spoken softly, can hurt. Work in Gods plan and in the end, Do the right thing. Treat them as you would want to be treated even if they don't treat you that way. We all have our different struggles and we are all dealing with obstacles in our life that many don't know. Don't make it harder for someone by treating them badly, not taking their feelings into consideration and acting as if they don't matter. No matter what religion you are, we are all Gods children and we do matter and YOU matter.

"Every religion emphasizes human improvement, love, respect for others, sharing other people's suffering. On these lines every religion had more or less the same viewpoint and the same goal." The Dalai Lama


*Mom, if you are reading this I want to "Thank you." You have brought me up to do the right thing even when people oppose me and don't understand why I need to "do the right thing." I love you unconditionally and I appreciate you teaching me there are 3 sides to every story. With eyes and arms wide open, and a heart that God is healing, I smile because life happened and know that I have the love of my family, friends and most of all God to take me around that unknown curve.